Ecco Hominis! How to change who you are

Do you want to change? Just change yourself when you want to change!

http://www.quickiwiki.com/en/Self-discrepancy_theory

Actual

Actual self is your representation of the attributes that you believe you actually possess, or that you believe others believe you possess. The “actual self” is a person’s basic self-concept. It is one’s perception of their own attributes (intelligence, athleticism, attractiveness, etc.).

We can ignore the actual self at first if we want to change who we are, the actual self will follow the ideal and ought self.

Ideal

Ideal self is your representation of the attributes that someone (yourself or another) would like you, ideally, to possess (i.e., a representation of someone’s hopes, aspirations, or wishes for you). The “ideal-self” is what usually motivates individuals to change, improve and achieve.

The ideal self-regulatory system focuses on the presence or absence of positive outcomes (e.g., love provided or withdrawn).

The best way to achieve that is to make a list of skills/attributes/characteristics you want to have. You must picture your ideal self every day.

Ought

Ought is your representation of the attributes that someone (yourself or another) believes you should or ought to possess (i.e., a representation of someone’s sense of your duty, obligations, or responsibilities).

The Pygmalion effect is the phenomenon whereby the greater the expectation placed upon people, the better they perform. Expect much from yourself, perform better!

Back to discrepancies.

The theory states that people are motivated to reduce the gap in order to remove disparity in self-guides.

Instead of lowering the bar and coming to terms with the actual self that you don’t even like. You must close this gap by becoming your ideal self.

Role-models inspired people for many years to become better. They were the real life representation of the ideal self. Becoming your ideal-self should be your goal.

How to achieve goals:

  1. First choose between all the potential goals you could reach.
  2. Make priorities and then choose the best one.
  3. Write down and visualize your goal(When you see your ideal self you should say:”Ecco Hominis!”).
  4. Make plans and strategies about how you will reach your goal.
  5. Achieve your goals.
  6. Assess what has been achieved, what still needs to be achieved by further acting on the goal.Revising objectives is no bad thing.

Goals must be SMART , dreams should be unobtainable.

Don’t be afraid to fail – Outcome independence

Easy to say, hard to do.

Inspired by this post on TRP 

I preach about this a lot but there is an important aspect that gets lost in translation. You must be able to place yourself in the position where you can fail. Be the tree, not the ivy. Be the leading role of your life, not a supporting role. You must still be someone after a fail. Never make your life dependent on a single decision. And have a back up plan for every decision. Actually always have a back up plan and another back up plan for that. And failing is not a bad thing, the crippling fear of failing is a bad thing.  It even has a name: Atychiphobia

All our emotions stem from our focus (what we think) and our physiology (posture, breathing). Lets say your normal state is head up, shoulders forward, deep breathing. When you are depressed or phobic your head sinks down, you let your shoulders hang and start breathing shallow. So the quickest way is to shake it off and change what you are doing. But that doesn’t change your focus. So you have to clear your mind. Stop asking yourself loaded questions. Stop looking into the abyss (everything that can go wrong), focus on the positive things that can happen, look at the horizon. Ask yourself positive questions. And remember a time where you felt powerful and strong. Then jump up and start moving or running. This is the fastest way to change.  Sometimes looking at the worst case scenario helps. Because if you think rationally you will come to the conclusion that the worst case scenario itself isn’t even that bad.

The post above basically tells you to embrace mistakes. They are an important and even crucial part of learning and growing. So stop beating yourself up with what could go wrong and use your experience for the future. You avoid mistakes through experience. You get experience through mistakes.

Now when you changed your mind you are ready tackle your problem. You can stop trying so hard, the easiest solution probably is the right one and will work. You can stop focusing on the outcome. What you can do is focus on the process.  So don’t be afraid to fail. Be ready to fail. The most important thing you can take away from this is understanding that being afraid of failure is just limiting yourself. The only real way to fail is not trying.

The implementation of the strategies rests with the operational management.

Strategic planning is like inner game. And outer game is like operational management. It is the practical application of inner game. For me outer game is showing other people your inner game. In my case it is obnoxious love for my self and too much confidence.

How did I create this confidence and self love? I admire myself, my body, my decisions. Just like anorexic girls stand in front of a mirror and think about suicide every day, I stand in front of a mirror and admire my body and my face. “Go tiger, the world is yours” is like a mantra for me. This is where the halo effect comes into play. Other people see that I value my self and value me more.

Value yourself before you value others!

If I am unhappy with any part of my body I train more. Realizing my boundaries is a great feeling. I even love the pain while training. After 50 push ups, when I can’t do another one I push my self and actually manage to do another one. When I think about giving up I say to my self “No pain no gain!” and do another one. Now my muscles tremble and shake but I keep on going till no grunting and making grimaces helps anymore.

How can you not love yourself when you are the motherfucker that pushes himself so far? When you shower in ice cold water everyday. Looking back at what you have accomplished in the past can also give you a confidence boost.

Higher confidence grants you the ability to hold eye contact much longer, increases your posture and mood. Which all add cumulative to the halo effect. Ironically and thanks to the halo effect you will accomplish more, and you will get even more confident.

Another important thing about game is to reflect about what went wrong.  Learn from your mistakes!

When everything works out people will see you as a high quality man. Now you can let your targets do the chasing. Let everyone know you are there. Let certain girls know that they look good, then go aloof. Let her go crazy and pick her up after she went through all possibilities where she could have fucked up after you told her what you think about her. This is the most subtle neg there is. If she thinks she has higher value than you neg her less subtle or insult her (If you feel like it). Get her to show you how much value she has.

Actually skip the let her doing the chasing trick. That shit doesn’t work, even when she gets an orgasm when she sees you she won’t do the first step 90% of the time. Let her get crazy and then pick up the fruits. You always have to stop being aloof at one point.

Scarcity mentality

Plant the seed of scarcity in her mind. It will drive her crazy and want you even more

When you are not there when she needs you, she will be grateful when you finally are there.

You will have more to talk about.

Dread – “Where has he been, what has he done”

Independence – “He doesn’t need me…”

Works with everyone. Friends, plates, family…

Think of the other extreme: Living together, it is not easy to attract her everyday and living together is the death of most relationships.

Trick:

When a girl wants to see you again, get your mobile out, check the calendar, pretend that you got a tight schedule. Ask he what about next week . When she says great, say something like “Good, actually I have time nearly every/every second . And you got a fix date every (second) week.

Escalating and Kino

Never miss a chance to escalate.

 

Example: You go outside a club, talk to a girl, your friends come out and tell you that they want to fetch something to eat. Don’t just say goodbye and follow your friends. Make out with her and then go eating. Don’t forget to take her number.

Insecure, you are not sure if she wants it? Do it anyways. Insecurity is your worst enemy. Your mindset should always be: “She wants me!”

Kino, or how to start escalating properly.

Touch her casually, then always go closer to more inappropriate spots, then make out with her, touch her inner tights and go closer and closer, then finger her through her pants. She will stop you when you are too fast. Read her body language to find out if she fears saying no, if she does go slower.

There is tons of stuff about kino already:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/06/04/game-kino-science-choose-any-three/

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/another-game-concept-vindicated-by-science-kino-escalation/

http://www.adarkheart.com/2013/01/26/kino-escalation-step-by-step/

 

Some people managed to overcome approach anxiety but don’t manage to go further. The best advice to destroy approach anxiety is get rejected on purpose 10 times a day. So escalate 10 times a week.

If you followed my blog you would already know that a relationship never should stall because attraction has an expiration date. So always push forward till you are at the goal.

Attraction has an expiration date and girl game

Attraction lessens over time. Girls will think you are not interested and feel like you turned them down, thats not a nice feeling, so they will hate you.

Realize when a girl wants to game you and stop the thoughts of insecurity.

Pretty much always when girls start to talk to you it is an opener:

You are at the club. You are walking around or sitting talking to a friend. All of a sudden a group (2-6) of wild HBs appears. They need a photo of themselves right now and they need you to take it. Bullshit. They don’t need a photo, this is the go to girl opener.

Good response: Make a selfie and say:”That will be 25€, you can pay in cash or drinks”

Chameleon strategy: feigning interest to get a relationship. Once they have you comfortable and happy they usually stop the act and start becoming bitchy and demanding. So when you want a LTR always look out!

The I am here or staring: Often see girls checking me out, following me and staying within eye sight. Looking at me hopefully and needy. Some even say something to me and I pretend that I didn’t hear them, so they either get closer or change their pose. When that failed they feel like getting rejected and write me off.

This whole attraction has an expiration date is also the reason so many guys get stuck in the friendzone, act quick!

Girl Game

Girl Game, I grew up with 4 sisters and know pretty much about it.

In short: 95% of all girls suck at flirting. (Yes I made that number up based on observations)

Women suck at flirting, they will talk about their ex boyfriends with you, 50% of what they say is stuff they would say to their orbiters/friendzoned guys because they have no idea how to flirt or talk to guys.

The problem is that besides looking good (and when that doesn’t work they try to look better) they don’t up their game. Women game has to be adjusted to shy males that don’t dare to make the first step, so they show availability instead of being a woman worth being gamed but showing availability often comes over as “I am a slut, and I am here”. 

For example: “I had sex with a complete stranger on that toilet over there once.” Then she smiled and tried to hold hands with her target.

“Wooohooo I am soo drunk” When she isn’t.

Buying you a drink! – Yes that should be obvious.

A girl who was giving me a ride told me about her previous boyfriend. I made her shut up because she has orbiters for that. But it turned out that she just had no idea what to talk about with me.

Another Girl Game strategy is to stay close to her target, she will follow you around in the club, sit down on the table next to you, always is in sight.

And then we have the eye flirt. Some women mags recommend that. When she tries to eye flirt just go and talk to her.

Realizing when a girl wants to game you triples your lay counter.